I’m not a Lesbian, but my wife is…
Being Transparent on International Trans Visibility Day
It seems like my life has always been about adjusting my dreams to the reality of the cards that life deals us. At a young age, I adapted to being raised in a single-parent household while my friends had two parents at home.
Part of a generation fully engrossed and some would say babysat by television as well as films, I saw early dreams of being an actress tempered by the reality or realization that the odds were not ever in my favor. Despite obtaining some parts in school plays, cold reads were not my forte, and scheduling rehearsals was not easy (in said single-parent household). I sang in choirs but could never quite earn the accolades for soloist, nor could my acting and singing in church translate outside the parish walls.
As my passion for language and writing developed and English teachers encouraged me, my dreams of being a novelist or a journalist grew too. However, the need to work immediately after graduation turned my path towards more stable, achievable career goals — namely secretarial and administrative work.
Thankfully, the blending of that passion for language and communications in all its forms morphed my work into marketing and public relations, and encouragement from my spouse to pursue some college helped support that adjusted career path. It allowed me to use those various talents and skills but for practical (i.e., paid) work.
Of course, I still imagine what life would be like as an actress — the acting part, not the fame part which sounds tedious and scary — as well as a novelist or other loftier writer. Instead, I enjoy writing, art, and photography activities while I accept that reality is what it is. Besides, so much of my heart belongs to helping others (animals and people) so the nonprofit work and volunteering using these skills, thanks to the evolution of my life, makes these adjustments even more rewarding.
And, to clarify, I talk about these adjusted dreams not to say that they are bad or disappointing. This is how our lives evolve and how we grow as individuals. What’s that saying… “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”?
Another aspect of adjusting my vision for my future to match my reality has involved my marriage. At 19, I was smitten by a handsome college man…with a mustache (I never considered myself a “mustache-liking girl”). But I fell in love with the person, part and parcel, heart and package. Even adoring that little mustache for the time he sported it.
Honestly, I loved him from our first date, which was magical in the sense that we clicked in a unique and intense way, so it wasn’t a surprise that we were engaged after knowing each other for less than a year. Yes, still both 19 years old then, and we were wed at 21.
Marriage has many twists and turns, as any couple will tell you, and navigating them successfully or at least together and ending up at the same place on the road at the end is enough to deem a relationship a continuing success. After more than 25 years together, there was one surprising twist in store for me that, despite plenty of mile-markers along the journey, still threw me for a bit of a loop and required the greatest adjustment of my vision for my future.
It wasn’t the bipolar diagnosis after more than a dozen years of seeing that swinging mood pendulum, including anxiety, anger, and depression, but my soul mate’s final acceptance that he…was a she. That the man I’d imagined growing old with a thousand and one times was actually a transgender woman took my brain and reality from 0 to 60 while simultaneously slamming the brakes on my life as I knew it.
As I said, there were signs…but always an anticipation that the answer was somewhere in the middle of the road, not a completely different lane. Accepting this new normal for our lives wasn’t instantaneous although my love for my partner never wavered for a second, and our acceptance of her authentic self was never a roadblock to our future together. It was just those damned dreams and visions of us as a little old lady and little old man walking hand-in-hand into the sunset that just kept playing on repeat.
Adjusting to that shift in my dreams of the future was the challenge. Everything from song lyrics to books with traditional cisgender, heterosexual couples became painful to me. Like my father moving out and changing our family concept, this evolution was harder and more painful to let go of than some of my other dreams, but it wasn’t the end of the world nor the end of our love. We were and are still a couple and still a family, just like my father is still my dad.
I wasn’t losing my soulmate, but…she was evolving and that meant my view of us had to as well. Also, coming to understand how I, a heterosexual woman, could continue to love my now lesbian wife took a good deal of mental energy as well. I didn’t mind the outside world seeing us as a lesbian couple (although my mom does), but I felt like an impostor since I am not a lesbian myself.
My pride in my life partner for at long last revealing and living as her authentic self and the gratitude I feel at seeing her at last happy and more comfortable in her own skin has eased our transition from husband and wife to wife and wife. And that pride, love, and gratitude is stronger and more real than any imagined version of how we might have grown old together.
On this day of Trans Visibility, I want the world to know how proud I am of my brave, intelligent, witty, kind, and beautiful transgender wife.
About International Trans Visibility Day 2023
It has been a difficult year (by which I mean at least 12 months, not merely 2023) for her, and our trans friends, as they are bombarded by news and overwhelmed by the attacks, political and literal, on transgender women (in particular).
After several years of being “visible” on March 31st, sharing the message that it is never too late to be your authentic self, she told me in her dry-wit way that she is spending this year’s Trans Visibility Day hiding in her bedroom, and I can’t say that I blame her. My heart aches for the hate being inflicted upon her and others.
So I am standing today in her stead, making myself visible as the wife of a transgender woman, and hoping to raise awareness of the cruel and heartless discrimination trans and nonbinary people are facing, especially the young ones.
She knew at the onset of puberty even though she didn’t understand what she was feeling because it wasn’t something anyone talked about back then. Or, if they did, it was with even more hate and venom, sneers and jokes, than we’re seeing today. Besides, she liked girls, how could she be one in a boy’s body? And so, she remained confused, loathed herself, denied any thoughts or feelings that contradicted her male exterior, and suffered largely in silence…for decades.
Now, our world is bigger and has learned and evolved to understand gender dysphoria. Counseling can help children, teens, and adults understand their thoughts and feelings, separating gender identity from sexual orientation and vice versa. Therapists in gender counseling can help individuals learn about their identity, what is gender dysphoria, what is not, and what path might be right for them. No one is trying to convert boys to girls or girls to boys. They’re just providing them with the tools sooner in their lives so they can understand who they are and how to live a more authentic life.
My spouse was near suicidal at times, and still pushed down and buried feelings out of fear of rejection. She, we, feel that no one should have to live like that. On International Trans Visibility Day, if you are not a transgender individual yourself, look and listen to those who are with an open heart and mind — you just might learn something.
If you experience what might be considered gender dysphoria and suffer from feelings of shame, disgust, and self-loathing because you don’t feel you fit the mold in which you’ve been made, talk to someone. You don’t have to keep struggling in silence; you deserve answers and a happy life.
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